I used to work as a barman in a whorehouse.

Some would think this would be a fantasy job- serving hot women cold drinks as they sold their nether-regions to drunk men.

Let me tell you the truth - it WAS a fantasy job. I loved every moment of it. EVERY DAY WAS INTERNATIONAL PORN DAY.

I was twenty-two years of age, and working my way through University. All I had to do was turn up, sit on the bar, smoke cigarettes, and serve alcohol to high class hookers.

These girls weren't your run-of-the-mill single-mothers-with-sexual-abuse-issue hookers. These were women who liked to FUCK FOR CASH.
(I know, I know - I'm using capitals far too much).

The place had a gigantic aquarium, the size of a Mini-S Cooper. The couches were soft leather, and the humidor was stacked with cigars. We served drinks in clean glasses, and everything cost way too much.

High-Class Pimpin' at its very best.

One time - the boss was out, and he asked me to interview a girl for work. Not in a "Penthouse Forum" way - this was a genuine Q&A.

She arrived, and she was a knockout. She wore a yellow, flowery summer dress that complimented her tan. Brunette, tall, green eyes, perfect teeth.

She was holding a crossword puzzle book.

Me - Come on in, take a seat.

Her - Thankth.

I paused - was that a lisp? No - couldn't be.

Me - Yeah, just sit anywhere. So, you interested in working here eh?

Her - Yeth, I've been needing work, and Thally told me there wath alwayth work here. Tho - I thought.."Why not? It'th not like I don't give it away for fwee anywayth!" HARHAHHARHARHARHAHR!

Me - Right. Um. Well. So, you know what happens here then?

Her - Oh THIT YETH! I'm under no illuthionth about prothtituthion. I know that it'th thex for cath.

Me - Do you want a mint or anything?

Her - No thankth, thothe thingth make my toungue thwell up. HARARARAHAHARAHAHARAHAA!

Me - Right. How about a parrot? Or an oral dam? I mean after all, you are a pirate.

Her - What did you thay? I didn't hear you, I thometimeth laugh a little loud. HARAHAHAHARAHRHAHRRRAHHHHRRR!

Me - Look, I'm not sure you're the right type of person for this kind of work. I don't think you'd quite fit in, you're obviouthly - I mean obviously - in a completely different class from the girls who work here.

Her - (a little indignant) You don't think I'm good enoughth for you do you? Put a thtereotype on me from the thtart have you? Thee here, there'th LOT'TH of dudeth out there who want thome of THITH puthy!

It might have been fine "puthy", but I wasn't about to give this woman a job - she was clearly insane , and her driveway didn't quite reach the road in the smarts department either. There was NO way this salivating hottie was going to get a job there.

Me - You're not understanding me. Here's a napkin, wipe your chin, it's just - well, you're obviously TOO good for working here. Have you tried applying for work as a water fountain?

Her - What are you talking about? I AM A THEXTHY, THATHY WOMAN! You don't think I can do the job do you?

At this point in time - she pulled down her top and showed me the most perfect pair of breathtth, I have seen - EVER. She then proceeded to go down on me with a vigour I hadn't seen since a sea otter at the local beach chased a fat kid down the beach for his tuna sandwich.

It was the thloppietht oral thexth I had EVER had.

She looked up at me with a wet grin when she had finished and said:

Her - Well, I thuck good, I thwallow good, howthabout that job?

I noticed her crossword puzzle wasn't finished, and decided to distract her.

Me - Want help with that crossword?

Her - I'm thtuck on thith one quethtion. A five letter word beginning with "P" and it endth in "O". Muthical inthtrument. What the fuck word endth in "O"

Me - Funnily enough, the answer to your application for a job here - No.

And with that - I booted her out of the office unceremoniously.

Sometimes - it's good to be a guy.

You should have slapped her. With your shoe. Right upside the head. Might have knocked that lispth out of her hehehe.

THEN gotten the hobnob.

You're right Chefsteroonieo.

I shoulda hearkened back to the days of the fifties, and given her the old one-two in the ribs.

AH the Fifties - when men were men, and so were lawyers.

Thilly wabbit, twixth are for kidsthhhhhhhhh

*wiping spit from eye*

Dear Jesus. How's the brazed ahi-ahi?

k then. I'll have the fatty tuna sashimi on the side.

Rocky Mountain Oysters?

[glazes panties]

.........Chef........you're words are true poetry, my dear. Nikki would be proud...as would Marcus. He made this "white" sangria once........with white wine, honey (I think) and someother stuff....share the reh-cipe? Por favor?

We need Cheffy to start his own Bastardly thread with some seductive dishes.... :P

Why linger over the wooing bit? A good cook can nab any girl....no joke.

Yes Mike, Krispy Kreme would be jealous.

Marry me.

Wow.....although we wandered off topic..........it's STILL GREAT.

Food and drunken stupified sex.

Good stuff that is.

I vote for a recipe of the week on the main page, written in that orgasmic language you tend to adopt when discussing such topics.

Really? I don't think people would want to see that kinda thing on Bastardly, but who knows. I took the recipes down on my site and I actually got more email than I do when I post stuff!

Ask moe or jackson, I'm game.

Hell - you can eat WHEN you're wanking.

Just has to be with a straw of course - cos I KNOW all the men here use BOTH hands.

Am I right, or am I right here guys?

I'll post my boobs. No nips though.

BOOBS!