Three guys die in a fire and go to hell. One is Canadian, one Cuban, and one Mexican.
The devil shows up, and tells them, "I'm going to give you the choice of any shield, then I'm going to whip you with my tail 3 times, If you are still standing after that, you can go to heaven"

So the Canadian goes first, he wants a titanium shield reinforced with a layer of stainless steel and fire retardant. He grabs the shield. The devil comes up, whips him once and the Canadian is thrown 10 feet and falls down.
"To Hell !! " says the devil.

The Cuban goes next. He wants no shield. "No Shield??" says the devil. No shield. So the devil comes up and whips him once, shhhaaaaazzz !!!. Nothing. Twice, shaaaazzzz. Nothing. Then the devil takes a few steps back, splits his tail into two, and double whips him. shaaaazzz shaaaazzz. Nothing. The cuban is in pain, but still standing. The devil says "Damn you man, I'm impressed, I guess you can go to hell.

Then he turns to the Mexican and asks "What will you shield be ??"

"The Cuban !!!"

A golf pro caught up with a threesome and asked if he could join them for the rest of the round. The guys agreed under one condition: that he would let them know what they were doing wrong. He agreed.

The first golfer told the pro that he had a bad slice. The pro told him to hit and he would analyze his swing. He proceeded to hit a major slice. He turned to the pro for advice and the pro informed him it was his LOFT.

The second golfer informed the pro that he had the opposite problem; a bad hook. He got on the tee and proceeded to hit this ugly duck hook. Looking to the pro for advise, he got the same advice as his friend. "It's your LOFT."

The third golfer, who was a big, burly guy, said that he really struggled with this part of the game. He took a big, aggressive swing and almost missed the ball. He topped it and it rolled about 100 yards down the middle. Looking to the pro for advice, he was told, it too, was his LOFT.

Finally, the first golfer turned to the pro: "What the hell's going on. I sliced the ball. He hooked it. And he topped it...And you said it was our LOFT, how can that be?"

The pro looked at the golfers and said, "LOFT stands for Lack Of F***ing Talent!"

A little boy runs into the kitchen and says to his mother “Does your legs have to stick up in the air when you go to heaven?”
His mother laughs and says “What makes you think that your legs have to stick up in the air when you go to heaven?”
The little boy says “Well the maid was upstairs laying on the bed with her legs sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling “Oh god I’m coming” but daddy was laying on top of her, and wouldn’t let her go.”

awesome. ive been holed up in here, with a massive migraine... its been goin on for like 9 days nonstop.

at least im getting a good laugh

:o)

A matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Avery, I have exactly the person you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've got two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

Mr Avery replies, "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say that they were mine."

A guy walks by a bar and see's a sign in the window that says, "Piano Player Wanted". So he thinks to himself, "Shit I play the piano, and I need a gig". So he goes inside to apply.

He speaks to the manager and tells him, " I saw the sign in the window and would like to play at your fine establishment". The manager say's, " Well come over to the piano and play me a few tunes so I can see what you got". The guy sits down at the piano and plays one of the most beautiful pieces of music the manager has ever heard? The manager say's “That’s a beautiful piece, what's the name of it"? "Oh that's an original" the pianist replies, " I wrote it myself. I call it," Suck My Cock you dirty whore". The manager is surprised but keeps a straight face.

He asks him to play another tune to which the pianist plays another beautiful medley. The manager says, "That's beautiful what is the name of that one"? The pianist says," That's another original that I wrote, I call it," I'll fuck you up the ass".

The owner says, "Okay, I'll hire you under one condition, If someone asks you the name of one of your songs, PLEASE don't tell them".
And the pianist agrees.

That night he starts working and he's playing away on his piano and decides to take a bathroom break. As he's coming out of the restroom a lady stops and asks him, "Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hangin out"? To which he replies, “Do I know it? I fuckin wrote that song"!

Amber, a 16 year old catholic girl, goes to confession.

Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.

Priest: Why did you do that?

Amber: He kissed me.

The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.

The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.

The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?

Amber:yes.

Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?

Amber: yes

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no

Priest: then why did you call him a mother fucker?

Amber: He had AIDS!

Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!

Lol!

Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Luck was on her side, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the final big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as hell and very fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just got to win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the question was. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband Roger reassured her. "It will all be okay."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon," he replied.

After an agonizing three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide, wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"Okay. The question is: 'What would men say were the three main parts of thier anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart and the p*nis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, slept deeply. At 4:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked Jane again as she was brushing her teeth. Once again, she replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel her stomach churning and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what would men say were the three main parts of thier anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "Congratulations!"

Little Johnny has become famous for having a foul mouth and the teacher is getting tired of it. On Friday, the teacher gives the class an assignment, to take note of new construction going around in town. They would talk about how the city is growing on Monday. The teacher asked the class to stay after Johnny left, and she told them:

"I know little Johnny will come up with something vulgar, so when I ask for his notes as soon as I notice something inadequate I will snap my fingers, and all the girls leave the room immediately!"

So Monday comes, Mike talked about a new cinema, Rachel talked about the new shopping center, and Judith talked about the new Univesity wing downtown. It was Johnny's turn. He said "They are building a new strip club just down the road from my house, and.. "

at that moment the teacher snaps her fingers and all the girls get up and start heading for the door. Little Johmy immediately blocks the door and says:

"Hold on whores! You can't work there, It's not open yet!!"

Hilarious!.........Only 1 problem....Problem is I can't sleep.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

I have used a rendition of this excuse many many times... in reality, I'm not even able to give blood and I've never done it. But people believe it :)

Ha ha another one.

Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

Lol

Ha ha ha.

Little Johnny goes to the farmacy and asks:

"Sr, I need a condom, because tonight I'm going to have dinner with the girl I've been going out with for 3 months and her family, and you know, maybe I'll get lucky".

Then he comes back and asks: "You know, better make it two, because she has a sister that is not bad at all, and maybe I'll kill two birds with one stone, or stick, you know"

Then he comes back again and says: "Actually, make it three, her mom is horny as hell and she cheats on her dad all the time and once I get going I can't stop, so..."

It's dinner time, and Johnny eats the food without even taking his jacket off, quiet as they come, with his head down. Once dinner is over his girlfriend asks: "Johnny, I didn't know you were so shy!!", and he replies:

"I didn't know your dad was a farmacist"

What goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and bland?

.
.
.
.

Bubble gum! you dirty bastards

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.
The old man stared.
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's the matter, old boy...Never done anything wild in your life?"
Without missing a beat the old man replied: " Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

Haha, beat me to it King B!
I think I heard another version of men and women's creation... here it is:

Adam was walking around in the garden of eden, and he looked sad, and God asked him, "what is going on my son?"
"I don't know" Adam responded, I feel, lonely, I have no one to talk to.

So God told him he would create a companion and that it would be female and called woman. God told him:

"This beautiful woman will be you companion, she will prepare your food, and when you discover clothing, she will do the laundry for you. She will always agree to your decisions, never yell back at you, and be the first to admit she was wrong. She will be caring, loving, and will be yours with love and passion, and raise your children."

Adam was happy and surprised and asked "What do I have to do to get a woman like that?" and God told him "I will take one of your arms, one foot, one eye, and your hair".

"What?" Adam responded. "What can I get for a rib instead?"
And the rest is history!

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday Manolo, Happy Birthday tooooo meeeee. Not a joke!

A man complained from a strong shoulder pain and a friend says to him, "There is a computer in the pharmacy that can diagnose anything, much faster and cheaper than a doctor. You just need to put a urine sample and the computer diagnoses your problem to you, and it suggests to you what to do. Plus it only costs costs $5 so what have you got to lose?".

The man filled a bottle with urine and went to the pharmacy. He found the computer and he put the sample in the machine. He deposited the $5 in the groove. The computer began to make noises, turn several lights on and off, and after a small pause, a paper came out that read: You have tennis player shoulder pain, you need to rub your arm with hot water and salt, do not make high efforts, and in two weeks it's going to be far better.

Later, he decided to prove if the computer could be deceived. He mixed water from the tap, a little poop of the dog, a little urine from his daughter and urine from his wife, and to finish, he masturbated and put his semen in the mix. He went to the pharmacy and he put the mixture inside, and the $5. After the sounds and lights of rigor, the machine printed the following analysis:

1 - Your water is too impure : Buy a purifier filter
2 - Your dog has parasites : Give it vitamins and purge its stomach
3 - Your daughter is doing drugs : Send her to rehabilitation
4 - Your wife is pregnant, and the baby is not yours : Get a lawyer
5 - And if you keep on masturbating, your shoulder pain will never go away

So far so good, I'm starving though, that'll get fixed soon, thanks Pinchy

"Doctor, I seem to get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake."
"Have you tried removing the candles first?"


Happy Birthday!

It's your birthday too Manolo....Happy Birthday to us!

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The Bartender says, "Thats cool where did you get him?"

The Parrot says,"Africa!! Theres MILLIONS of them"

Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.

You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says

'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

A gorilla parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.

The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol’ Liberace. So
the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.

Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it’s the funniest thing he’s ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass.

The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.

Now, the gorilla can’t run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set
of safari cloths with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and makes like
he’s reading it.

Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla starts shaking under the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just f-fucked the lion up the ass?" he stutters.

The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It’s in the paper already!?"

Manolo & Ed, I had one of the monkeys bake you a cake. When they aren't out trying to kill Perez, they can bake their asses off.

Belated Birthday wishes to you Ed!!

I know it's a little late....But thanks for all the happy birthdays!

Thanks Chef and the monkeys! I never saw the monkey cause I was reading on my blackberry.
You did teach them not sit on the candles right?

Thanks! October 4th Birthday rule.
HAHA! Funny stuff!

Why? If? Have you?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Horse gallops into a bar and the bartender goes, "Hey!"

The horse, stands up on his hind legs, lights a cigarette, looks around and says, 'where?'

The bartender, not skipping a beat says, 'why the long face?'

The horse puts out the cigarette in the bartenders eye, and says, 'do you know how many times I have to hear that fucking joke?'


: |

Ha ha.

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender."
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
"What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender.
"No waydude! You get violent when you drink!!"

Last post was post 69... so...

A couple was doing the 69, and in the middle of the act the husband stops, and mumbles... "Seattle .. deep.. in ... sn.. snow"

The wife is pissed off and tells him: "Keep going! Every time we do the 69 you start mumbling like a lunatic, you don't make any sense!"

Then he answers: "Well you should stop wiping your ass with the newspaper"

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws that they've passed.

*********************

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Darryl said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Francesco commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Steve said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

A girl sat next to me on the train this morning. We started talking and she started telling me all this personal
stuff. She mentioned to me in the midst of this that she was nymphomaniac and that she like Jewish cowboys.
Finally we go around to introducing ourselves. She said her name was karen and than she asked mine.
"Bucky Silverstein."

OK lame I know.
Funny vampire cartoon. That remindes me.

I got some powdered water.....I'm not sure what to add though....

It must be Steven Wright day.

Ha ha ha!

Jessica Simpson is taking a shower and yells to her mom:

"Mom, can you pass me another shampoo, please?"

"But there's one right there in the shower, why do you need another one?"

"Because this one is for dry hair and mine is already wet"

How does Lindsay Lohan send a confidential fax?
She bends the page in half before putting it through the machine.

How do you make Paris Hilton laugh on a Sunday?
You tell her a joke on a Tuesday.

Why do the Olsen twins get excited when they solve a 12 piece puzzle in 3 months?
Because the box reads "Two years and up"

Why did Pamela Anderson build his house round shaped?
Because she was told dogs pee on corners.

Just what I needed. Thanks.

What is the difference between a lover and a wife?
About 15 pounds

Settle down ladies, here's the other side...

What is the difference between a lover and a husband?
About 30 minutes

Test for males to find out if you are gay:

1) After you pee, you:
a) shake it slowly so you don't spill
b) shake it moderately and put it away
c) shake it and then dry it with toilet paper
d) you don't shake it and don't dry it

2) You are standing in line at a bank, and you start getting itchy down there, so you:
a) get shy and you try to hold it
b) put your hand in your pocket and scratch
c) scratch softly on the outside while being careful no one is watching
d) scratch vigorously and stomp your feet so they look at you

3) You are walking down the street and see a friend fighting with a robber, so you:
a) Look the other way
b) Observe but don't intervene
c) Try to split them up
d) Jump with a flying kick and scare the delincuent off

4) Someone introduces a woman to you, the first thing you notice is:
a) You don't notice anything
b) You notice her nails and hair
c) You observe her cleavage while talking with her
d) You don't talk and only observe her cleavage, and her butt as she walks off

5) You see your father kissing a woman who is not your mother, you:
a) Can't believe it
b) Stare at them and don't know what to do
c) Stare at the woman's butt
d) Take some photos so you can blackmail your father later

And now the results:

If you answered a) to any question:
YOU ARE GAY

If you answered b) to any question:
YOU ARE GAY

If you answered c) to any question:
YOU ARE GAY

If you answered d) to any question:
YOU ARE GAY

A real man doesn't answer tests nor does he need to find out if he's gay or not, he just knows. In the end, these test things are gay.

this cracked me up this morning....

Ha ha ha

That's great KB!

Is it really Thursday? I think I need to visit you and go shopping in you neighborhood. Groceries be damned!

Hehe, thanks. They did steal my milk darn it.

Ha ha ha, yup, that'd do it alright.