ow!

Ah, it's a hard job but somebody has to do it.

Ha ha ha. Excellent.

We can't let you take all the weight Manolo. Hopefully some of the crew will help out.


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

Haha!

Agents from the FBI, the KGB and the PFP (Policia Federal Preventiva, in Mexico) enter a contest to figure out who the better agency is.
The task is simple, compete to catch a rabbit with a tag on its ear. The agency that brings back the rabbit in the shorter amount of time wins.

The PFP goes first. 5 hours go by. They bring back the rabbit with the tag. However, as they are approaching the podium, the rabbit escapes. They get disqualified.

The FBI goes next. 3 hours go by. They bring back the rabbit with the tag, and 20 other rabbits and bunnies. They argue that maybe the rabbit taught the other rabbits and they needed to question all of them to figure out if more had to be done. They also get disqualified.

The rabbit is let go again, and the KGB goes after it. 10 hours go by, and they return. They bring back a donkey, with a similar tag on its ear. The donkey is bleeding, limping, and missing a piece of its tail. The judges question the KGB: "This is not the rabbit you were supposed to bring!"

To which the donkey responds "Yes I am! It was me! I did it! I did it!"

The difference between Men and Women regarding friendship.

A woman runs into an old-time girlfriend and gets very excited:
W1 - "Hi !, How are you! Long time no see!"
W2 - "I know, what's going on!"
W1 - "Did you get a new haircut?"
W2 - "Yeah! What do you think?!!"
W1 - "It looks great! Where did you get it?"
W2 - "I found a new stylist! I'll email you her info !"
W1 - "Great!! Well, nice seeing you! Later!"
W2 - "Yeah, Me too! Have a good one!"

W1 thinks to herself as she leaves:
(Bitch, you look horrible, it probably cost you $5 on sale)
W2 thinks to herself as she leaves:
(Bitch, trying to steal my look, no way I'm sending you anything)


A man runs into an old time friend and says:

M1 - "Hey dude, what's up, hadn't seen you in a while"
M2 - "Yeah I know, what's going on"
M1 - "Not much, you got a haircut huh?"
M2 - "Yeah, pretty cheap at this vietnameese place down the street"
M1 - "It looks like a monkey did it, or worse!"
M2 - "Yeah well your mom thought I looked pretty hot last night"
M1 - "Fuck you!"
M2 - "Your sister already did, thanks!"

M1 thinks to himself as he leaves:
(Dude's cool, I should call him to get a few beers sometime)
M2 thinks to himself as he leaves:
(Dude's cool, I should call him to get a few beers sometime)

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

Haha nice

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck somersault, this was followed by a three rotations in piked position, then he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more dives, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

OLD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

We have all heard about men who have guts and balls. But, do you really know the difference? To keep you well informed, I am going to explain each of the two:

GUTS, A guy has guts when after a night out with his friends, when he is received at the door of his house by his wife holding a broom, he has the GUTS to tell her: "What? are you going to clean or are you going to fly?"

BALLS, A guy has balls when after a night out with his friends, he comes home smelling like beer and women's perfume, he has lipstick on his face and shirt, and while spanking his wife's butt he has the BALLS to tell her: "You're next"

Hope that makes it clear.

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Pretty good...

Ha ha ha!

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for
50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife,
but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...

Hehehe!

The difference between women and men when taking a shower:

WOMEN: Takes her clothes off delicately and puts it in the dirty clothes basket according to the colors. Walks towards the shower wearing a bathrobe, if she sees her boyfriend/husband on the way, she covers her body and runs towards the shower. She stops in front of the mirror and looks at herself. Puts her belly out and complains about how fat she is. Gets in the shower. She washes every area of the body with a different towelette, uses strawberry shampoo and honey-avocado conditioner. Finally she washes with soap made out of peach and almonds. Takes the conditioner off (this process takes about 10 minutes since she has to be sure to take everything off). She shaves her armpits and legs. Considers shaving the bikini area, but decides on waxing instead. She takes the water off all her body in the shower. Gets out of the shower and dries off with a towel the size of Africa. She wears a super-absorbent towel on her head. Goes back to her bedroom wearing her robe. If she sees her boyfriend/husband on the way she covers herself off entirely and runs. Takes an hour and a half dressing up.

MEN: Scratches his balls, while he decides whether to take a shower or not. He says "fuck I'm tired", farts, takes all his clothes off while still in bed and throws it on the floor. Walks naked to the shower. If he sees his girlfriend/wife on the way, he shows her his weiner and makes the sound of an elephant 'pphhfrrrrttt' and laughs out loud. Stops in front of the mirror to look at himself. Pulls the belly in, looks at the size of his weiner in the mirror, scratches his balls again, and smells his hands one last time before showering. Walks in the shower. He washes his face with blue soap. He washes his hair with blue soap. He makes a 'punk' hairdo. Opens the shower curtain to look at his 'punk' hairdo. Laughs outloud at the sound of his fart in the shower, while he figures out how to hold his breath to avoid the smell. He pees in the shower, trying to hit the drain. He realizes the whole bathroom is wet because he left the curtain outside the bathtub. He of course, does not care. Walks off the shower and half-dries himself off. Leaves the curtain open, the blue soap in the floor, and the carpet all wet. Leaves the bathroom lights on. Comes back to the bedroom with a towel around his waist. If he sees his girlfriend/wife on the way, he takes the towel off, grabs his weiner, and makes the sound of an elephant, 'pphhfrrrrttt'. Throws the wet towel on the floor and dresses in 2 minutes.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be ten again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a mega theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's, where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries, and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being ten again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story? Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST
(Long but VERY Funny!)
Monday
------
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and
hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again.
One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back
in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down
in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are
this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so
performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they
find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.
Tuesday
-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put
something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support
lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital
status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for
Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell
her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last
week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally
deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I
grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running
in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and
hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably
fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the
airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for
her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
---------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate
PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM
PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments.
Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is
down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and
plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and
relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing
the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a
two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two
hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to
set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell
him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if
he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest
they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them
document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a
good weekend.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered.. ''Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman, I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God's first name is Howard.

Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,...""OK, I give in" said Saint Peter, but what about the God's first name stuff?

Forrest said, "Well, from the prayer... Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Saint Peter let him in, run Forest, ruuuuun!!

LOL Good one Manolo...

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and
she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

i'm guessing the american popped a few viagras

tla, even though i have a french name, i am all american. my comment reflects our acceptance of "legal" drugs and our "take a pill" for anything thats wrong with you - culture, NOT saying american men are lousy lovers.

Or if upon sneezing and / or death you are assured a nice long lasting boner.

ROLFL! squeek

Why should we actually have to have self-control and work to get healthy/look good… Were America baby, the land of escalators and the stare-master and Super-size our orders with a Diet Coke. We prefer to pop pills, get surgery, and blame the corporate driven media for all our troubles…

You don’t have to like who you are, in fact we prefer that you don’t so that you can spend all your money trying to change…

Like a surgeon...heeee! cut for the very first time.....

Better that if you were Fisherman General....Like a Sturgeon...heeee! Caught for the very first time....

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself.........
'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. '

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the f *** do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - 'Ahhhhh, Ryanair !'

LOL King... first one reminds me of that commercial...

Oh yea... UKer...

Its a commercial in which a person who's ordering asks what comes with that and the cashier's like high cholesterol, diabetes, etc... its funny

Variation on a theme.

Ha ha. Some of them have already started picking us off!

Ditto there TLA. My dogs have the life. Although it is hard to type with those paws.

Aha! :O)

A couple made a deal that whom ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word he made contact, 'Myrtle..Myrtle.'
'Is that you, Joe?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night, I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly..... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Sydney .'

Hah hah.

Hah... nice...

Court? Why Court?

Sorry. So is your dog on one of those Dangerous dog lists now?
We used to have a poodle that would attack anything? Fucking purebreed dogs can be messed sometimes.

A woman goes into labor on March 31st. After thirty eight hours of labor later, the pain is getting tremendous and she is ready to quit. However, she give a mighty push and finally the babies head comes out. The doctor tells her just one more push and she's done. So she takes a deep breath and pushes with all her might. The doctor pulls the baby free, and after doing his stuff, tells her that she is the proud mother of a beautiful baby Boy. He then wraps the baby up, carries it over to her, and hands it to her. However, just as she is about to grab the baby the doctor takes it by the legs, swings it around, and hurls it against the wall with all his might. The baby hits head first and blood and guts splashes everywhere. The mother, in tears and shaking, screams “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” The doctor turns to her and with a smile on his face says


“April fools it was already dead.”

***RACIST JOKE***


A Tough Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?"

As he downs the whisky the barkeep points to the end of the bar where a large Indian sits.

The Tough Guy proceeds to walk over to the Indian and give him the shit-kicking of his life then leaves the bar.

Next Day the Tough Guy returns and says;

"Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?

As he downs the whisky the barkeep points to the end of the bar where a large Mexican sits.

The Tough Guy proceeds to walk over to the Mexican and give him the shit-kicking of his life then leaves the bar.

This goes on for 3 more days until the exasperated bartender finally says;

"That fucking asshole keeps coming in here, trashing my bar, and kicking the shit outta my customers, Im gonna teach that prick a lesson"

So the bartender goes to the local Zoo, rents a Gorilla and hides him in the washroom.

The next day the Tough Guy returns as usual.

"Gimme a shot of Whisky and who's the toughest fucker in this bar?

Barkeep says "Sorry buddy you just missed him, I think he is taking a piss"

The Tough Guy takes a deep breath and heads aggressively to the pub washroom. Once inside the barkeep and patrons hear banging and crashing and grunting and roaring, sounds like total chaos from inside the restroom.

Things suddenly quiet down and a few moments later the beaten and bloodied Tough Guy stumbles out of the can and stares at the bartender.

"Give me a shot of Whisky, and when that fucking nigger wakes up, you tell him his fur coat is in the garbage"

I really didn't need to see that.

Yes...Hang out with Pamela or something...