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Bastardly Conversations: Jokey Thursday

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    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2008
     
    Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G
    are the letters used to define bra sizes?
    If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what
    the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

    {A} - Almost Boobs...
    {B} - Barely there.
    {C} - Can't Complain!
    {D} - Damn!
    {DD} - Double damn!
    {E} - Enormous!
    {G} - GEEEEzus Christ!
    {F} - Fake.
  2.  
    HAHA! On both. On the first one though....But is she going to win the nomination should have been her second question.
  3.  
    Heh heh.
    Thank you TLA.
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2008
     
    *takes a bow* Anytime guys... thought we all could use a laugh...
  5.  
    nice clean up T. your a true hero. lol
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2008
     
    "your a true hero" I know... I even have my own sidekick and a villanious enemy

    Though that whole flying thing is a bit tricky...
  7.  
    i would give you flying tipes but i'm too evil to share. especially with a hero. i hate heroes. (however wouldn't mind watching heroes.)
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 7th 2008
     
    and that is why YOU are my villan... damn selfish villans man, never wanting to share...
  9.  
    A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

    The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

    The man persists and asks to see the manager.
    The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

    We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
    'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

    'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
    The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
    'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMar 10th 2008
     
    HAHAHAHA!!!
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 10th 2008
     
    that's great...

    gotta love a quick thinker..
    •  
      CommentAuthorDonkeyCock
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2008
     
    Tasteless jokes...

    What's the first thing a woman does when she leaves an abused women's shelter?
    The dishes if she knows what's good for her!

    What is black and blue and doesn't like to have sex very much?
    The little boy in the trunk of my car!



    What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
    The NBA.

    A guy kidnaps a woman and takes her to the forrest
    Woman: Stop, I'm Scared!!
    Bad Guy: Your scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!!

    How do you make a little kid cry twice?
    Wipe your DICK off on their teddy bear!

    Why do brides wear white?
    Its customary for the new dishwasher to match the stove and fridge.
    •  
      CommentAuthorDonkeyCock
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2008
     
    The new hooker had just finished her first trick.

    When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

    She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine".

    "What did he want to do?" they all asked.

    She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either."

    Finally I said, "Ok, how much do you have?"

    The marine said he only had $25.

    So I told him, "For $25 all I can give you is a hand job."

    He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out.

    I put one hand on it.

    Then, I put the other hand above that one."

    She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."

    "Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?"

    "I loaned him $75!
    •  
      CommentAuthorDonkeyCock
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2008
     
    I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

    Short line.

    Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

    She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

    The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too".
    •  
      CommentAuthorDonkeyCock
    • CommentTimeMar 13th 2008
     
    a teenage girl just got her license and couldn't wait to take the car out. she asked her dad if he could borrow it one night.

    "sure," replied the dad. "all you have to do is suck my dick."

    the girl was appalled by this, so she went to her room to sulk. after sitting there a few hours, she decided that she really REALLY wanted to go to the party. and that maybe sucking her dad's dick wouldn't be that big of a deal after all. so she goes back to her dad and agrees to suck his dick in return for the keys.

    the dad drops his pants, the girl gets started, and goes "ugh, dad! your dick tastes like shit!"

    "oh yeah," said the dad, "your brother has the car tonight."
  16.  
    Oops!
  17.  
    The Three Bears: A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning .....

    Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is
    empty.
    "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

    Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
    "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

    Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
    It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
    It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
    It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
    It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
    It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
    It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
    It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
    And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear- asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm going to say this once....
    I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!!!"
  18.  
    It's a dogs life!
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2008
     
    Aww... Cute. Its funny how dogs never seem to really know what to do once they finally do catch their tales.
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2008
     
    King both great... Thank you for the pick me up..
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 20th 2008
     
    The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone
    rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When
    he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good
    news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

    "Honestly?"

    The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time
    like this?"
  22.  
    Ha ha ha. Excellent TLA.
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    The President comes home to the White House after a day or hard work (right), and he is informed by secret service that there has been an event he needs to be aware of.

    President: "What's going on?"
    Secret Service: "Somebody peed on the entrance to the white house sir"

    President: "That's not that bad, what is the big deal?"
    Secret Service: "They wrote 'Asshole' with pee sir"

    President: "Well, find out who did it and arrest them"
    Secret Service: "We did, DNA shows it was vice president Clinton's pee sir"

    President: "Fucker! well deal with it quietly, why do I need to get involved?"
    Secret Service: "It was your wife's hand-writing sir"
  24.  
    Ha ha ha.
  25.  
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    My first constructive addition to this Thread. Be gentle.


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _ __________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty- year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________
    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, bu t could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
  27.  
    Ha ha ha. I love some of the witness replies! Excellent!
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Loved them Pinchy... Your entry into this thread was hilarious... Thank you...
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Actual label instructions on consumer goods





    1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
    (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


    2. On a bag of Fritos:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
    Details inside.
    (the shoplifter special?)


    3. On a bar of Dial soap:
    "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (and that would be how???....)


    4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
    "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)


    5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
    Don 't turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


    6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
    "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)


    7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but wouldn't this save me more time?)


    8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
    "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
    those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


    9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (and... I'm taking this because???...)


    10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
    "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (as opposed to... what?)


    11. On a Japanese food processor:
    "Not to be used for the other use."
    (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


    12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
    "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)


    13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)


    14. On a child's superman costume:
    "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


    15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
    "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Student-Teacher Exchanges





    1. TEACHER: Why are you late?
    WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign?
    WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


    2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
    CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!


    3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
    JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!


    4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
    SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!


    5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
    GEORGE: Here it is!
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: George!


    6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
    ago.
    WILLIE: Me!


    7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
    TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


    8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
    ELLEN: I is...
    TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
    ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


    9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
    JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."


    10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
    admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
    JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

    11. TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


    12. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
    Did you copy his?
    DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!


    13. TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
    interested?
    PUPIL: A teacher.
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Thanks guys. Glad you enjoyed them. I'm not much of one for tellling jokes, my sense of humor is a bit off. But I periodically get those e-mails, so I thought I'd share, since I don't know any real jokes to share.
  32.  
    Glad you decided to share 'em Pinchy.

    And chuckles from TLA too.

    All good stuff.
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Politically correct men descriptions





    1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
    STORAGE FACILITY.


    2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.


    3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.


    4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.


    5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
    RELATIONSHIPS.


    6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
    HORIZONTAL.


    7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
    RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.


    8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.


    9. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

    Politically correct women descriptions





    1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.


    2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.


    3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.


    4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.


    5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.


    6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.


    7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.


    8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.


    9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.


    10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  34.  
    :D
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Haha good ones guys
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Types of Boyfriends and Girlfriends


    1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
    Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
    Snugglepup
    Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
    Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy


    2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
    Let's stay home and watch TV."
    Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
    Slow Mover, Jerk
    Advantages: Stays put; predictable
    Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass


    3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
    Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
    Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
    Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle


    4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
    Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
    Big 'n' Dumb
    Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
    Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig


    5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
    Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
    Advantages: Well rested; easy target
    Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams


    6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
    Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
    Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
    Disadvantages: May be having time of his life


    7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
    crazed weasels, OK?"
    Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
    Advantages: Perpetually aroused
    Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused


    8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
    know how, but--"
    Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
    Advantages: Tells good stories
    Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"


    9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
    like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
    Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
    Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
    Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


    10. Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you
    shouldn't have!"
    Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
    Squeeze, Doormat
    Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
    Disadvantages: May wise up someday

    11. Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
    son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
    Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
    Advantages: Pays attention to you
    Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans


    12. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
    Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
    Advantages: Predictable
    Disadvantages: Contagious


    13. The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
    haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
    Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
    Yes Mom
    Advantages: Often right
    Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?


    14. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
    career, goals, home, and hair color?"
    Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
    Advantages: Easily soothed
    Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed


    15. Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
    make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
    Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
    Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
    Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs


    16. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
    snickering at."
    Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
    Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
    Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
    Disadvantages: You will have no friends


    17. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
    how I feel about our relationship."
    Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
    Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
    Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud


    18. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
    my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
    crazed weasels now!"
    Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
    Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
    Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
  37.  
    Love 'em.
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 27th 2008
     
    Thanks... ;δ
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2008
     
    Great!

    Sincerely,
    Ace of Hearts
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2008
     
    LMFAO Manolo

    Love,
    Ms. Dreamgirl
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2008
     
    Screw you all,
    Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2008
     
    Hahaha, that was even more funny
  43.  
    What was going to do? oh yes!
    Joe, Ace of hearts and Dreamers
  44.  
    Screech
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeApr 8th 2008
     
    Hahah... That's twisted :-).
  46.  
    Heh, isn't it just. :) Love those cartoons so much.
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 8th 2008
     
    LMAO that was great King, thanks...
  48.  
    :O)
  49.  
  50.  
    A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
    accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced
    was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! 'You need to
    use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding
    them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

    'I went to visit my Nana.'

    'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big
    People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

    'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'

    She said, 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember
    to use 'Big People' words.' She then asked little Alec what he
    had done.

    'I read a book,' he replied.

    'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

    Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
    pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2008
     
    Hahahahaha! haha!
  52.  
    that was a good one!
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2008 edited
     
    Three friends were having a discussion on what was the fastest thing in the universe:

    Friend 1: "I think the fastest thing is lightning, when it falls from the sky it comes down so fast you don't even have a chance to see it"

    Friend 2: "No, I think the fastest thing in the universe is light, when you go to a room, you turn on the light and bam! everything is illuminated all at once in an instant"

    Friend 3: "No, no, the fastest thing in the universe is diarrhea"

    "Diarrhea?" ask the other two friends.

    Friend 3: "Yeah!, one night I was in the backyard and I felt it coming, so I ran like lightning and by the time I turned on the light, I had pooped myself"
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2008
     
    Thanks for getting that one out of the way this morning and not springing it on us right before lunch, Manolo :-P.
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2008
     
    Haha, welcome Pinchy, glad to be of service.
  56.  
    i love a good "shit" joke
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2008
     
    LMAO Love them... thanks guys...
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2008
     
    okay here's my contributions...

    A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a
    blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..
    woof..woof...woof."

    The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are
    only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the
    same price."

    The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"




    A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

    She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

    "I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
    " Where did it get you?" He replies
    "Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
    "I think your stance must be a little too wide"
  59.  
    Ha ha ha ha. Love 'em. Thanks!
  60.  
    Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us <-possibly nsfw
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeApr 12th 2008
     
    Hahaha... that's what you get for being greedy....
  62.  
    Ha ha.
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeApr 17th 2008 edited
     
    Ladies, do you know why us men are like snow storms?

    Because you never now when they're going to come, how many inches they're going to bring, or how long they're going to last.
    So, you know, have your shovels ready :-)
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeApr 17th 2008
     
    I don't know if it translates from spanish well, but here it is anyway.

    The teacher is trying to exemplify what the past, present and future is, so she asks the class:

    "Jenny, If I had a headache last week, what is that?"
    "That is past time", answers Jenny correctly.

    "Arthur, If I will go get groceries tonight, what is that?"
    "That is future time", answers Arthur correctly.

    "Little Johny, If I am looking for a boyfriend, what is that?"
    "That is a waste of time, and a miracle if you find one"
  65.  
    hahaha translates fine to me Manolo
  66.  
    Those little johnny jokes are always good for a laugh!
    :)
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeApr 17th 2008
     
    He is Pepito in Mexico, Little Jose. He is a pure bastard.
  68.  
    :)
  69.  
    Lilly is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there.
    He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". Shocked she slams the door in disgust.

    The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of Lilly "Do you have a vagina".
    She slams the door again.

    Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

    The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
    The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".
    She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
    "Do you have vagina?".
    "Yes" she says.
    The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!?"
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeApr 21st 2008
     
    Hahaha... Ouch!
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 21st 2008
     
    hahaha that was a good one King...
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008 edited
     
    How offensive is that?

    Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer
    from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and
    sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he
    calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

    Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the
    gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just
    then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with
    his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No
    one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!"

    Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls.
    Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There
    he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and
    both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

    Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now
    lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of
    the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion
    finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He
    goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of
    the crowd.

    Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks,
    "Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?"

    Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh
    nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house
    from here!"
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    I don't remember if I posted this before but I think it hilarious so...

    An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh
    Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
    The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For
    Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
    GUNS!!!
    At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up
    the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to
    his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His
    son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    because I can't help myself...

    All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally
    dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?" Wife said, "Because, you are
    a bad fuck".
    Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the
    wife was confused
    and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?" Husband said, " Simple,
    because you
    know the difference.
    • CommentAuthorglimmer
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008 edited
     
    change

    go
    • CommentAuthorglimmer
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    oh
    •  
      CommentAuthorAzkadellia
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    I have been banned
    Ok. I have a joke for you guys.








    Paris Hilton's entire existance.
    • CommentAuthorglimmer
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    Azkadellia

    Ok. I have a joke for you guys.








    Paris Hilton's entire existance.

    is the meaning of life.... ;)
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    no no no
    Deep Thought: Okay. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is...
    Deep Thought: 42.
    • CommentAuthorglimmer
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    42, as in bra size ???? ;)
    •  
      CommentAuthorAzkadellia
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    I have been banned
    Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.


    I want that two days of my life that I spent reading that book back.
    • CommentAuthorglimmer
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    but,you'll always have shoes..... :)
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeApr 24th 2008
     
    Just think though if not for those two wasted days you wouldn't have known where that came from...
  84.  
    I'm a big Douglas Adams fan....Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.....Not my favorite....The new unedited version is funnier though.....Sorry you didn't like it.
    The new movie wasn't have bad....Especially with Trillian!
  85.  
    Photobucket
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2008
     
    hahaha
  87.  
    :) Nice series of jokes.
    Thanks.
  88.  
    "This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new
    radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
    This story is a credit to all humankind..... "

    Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :

    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
    I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.
    I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

    My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

    The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she
    could listen to mine, and I told her to f*ck off.

    Thank you for that opportunity..

    Sincerely,

    Edna
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2008
     
    Hah... Nice.

    :)
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2008 edited
     
    A dude goes to his friend's house and rings the bell. His friend comes out and invites him in, and a fierce dog comes barking at him. His friend has to close the door immediately and take the dog to the backyard.

    When he returns, the guest asks "What was all that about?"
    "Well, this is a NY Yankee dog, he gets like that when they lose".

    "Oh wow, and what does he do when they tie?"
    "Well, he's friendly sometimes and wags his tail, and then bites you when you get close"

    "Damn, and what about when they win?"
    "I don't know dude, I've only had it for four months!"
  91.  
    heh heh
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2008
     
    A guy and his girlfriend finally decide to have sex after 2 years of going out.
    They decide to do it in the woods, so they can be isolated and free without worrying about noise or surprises.

    Once they are down to their underwear, the guy can't wait anymore, he's been waiting for two fucking years!
    And then the girl says, "I have to go pee, I'm nervous, I have to go now".
    So she walks to nearby bushes and takes the last of her clothes off.

    The thought of his naked girl behind the bushes makes the guy go crazy, and he can't wait anymore, so he approaches from behind and starts feeling her legs and moving his hand up to the golden zone. Suddenly, he feels something long and hard in between her legs.
    He screams: "What the fuck! Did you have a sex change? What's going on??"

    "Oh sorry honey, I decided to take a dump too".
  93.  
    uh oh
    hah hah hah
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2008
     
    LOL - Classic - that'll teach him patience...
    • CommentAuthoranababy
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2008
     
    hahaha

    Patience is a virtue.
    • CommentAuthorGuillermo
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2008
     
    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

    MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
    He addressed the man,
    "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
    "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
    He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..........so does she.

    WORDS

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
    The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
    Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
    • CommentAuthorGuillermo
    • CommentTimeMay 8th 2008
     
    These are our rules!
    Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!


    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
    what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
    See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
    Really .

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or Auto Racing .

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    • CommentAuthorMrPinchy
    • CommentTimeMay 20th 2008
     
    Since I'm having one of "those" days....


    When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day,


    Try this:

    On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

    Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so yo u will not be disturbed.


    Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins .

    Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
    'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

    HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A ** THAN YOURS!
    • CommentAuthorTLA
    • CommentTimeMay 20th 2008
     
    hahaha... nice...
    • CommentAuthorManolo
    • CommentTimeMay 20th 2008
     
    Ha! Ouch

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